Sometimes I dream that I get a text or a call or an IM that says, “You should come over, I miss you.” I throw on my shoes and grab my bag and make the ten minute walk to the train in five so that I’m panting like an over-excited dog when I throw myself down into a seat, just like always. It’s hot now, though, no snow to excuse the red face and the running. I clear the obstacle course that is 16th between California and Market in record time, too, skipping down the escalators at Market Street Station.
Then I’m standing in front of the screens that explain the buses and the times and I realize... I don’t know which bus to take. It’s not the AB or BX anymore. It hasn’t been in months, and I was just thinking the other day that I missed giggling at the “Kiss and Ride” sign at the McCaslin stop. I wrack my brain, there’s something big that I’m forgetting. What is it that I’m not remembering?
I start to panic. How can I not know which bus to take? For gods’ sake, I basically live on public transportation. I take a deep breath in and concentrate: where exactly am I going?
Then I remember. Oh, right, this dream again. Ah, well.
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On Facebook there’s an announcement that a friend of mine split up with his girlfriend. I pick up my phone and stare at his number for a few minutes. It seems like there should be some words that will make it a little better, some magical phrase to fix a wounded heart, but I don’t know them. I put the phone down, then pick it back up again.
I tell him that I love him and offer up wine and cookies. He doesn’t take me up on the offer, but thanks me anyway. I feel like being human is making all of us tired right now.
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Last night was all blues music and solitude. Today is productivity (dishes, library, artsy things, laundry) and Parov Stelar. School starts next week and there is no ambivalence this time - I simply cannot wait to dig in. Whether it's distraction that I'm craving or just forward momentum, my classes seem like the perfect antidote to what's ailing me.
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