One

I remember a moment when I was a teenager, still oddly-shaped and knobbly-kneed, sitting on my mother's overstuffed blue sofa with a boy and eating chocolate ice cream.  We were talking about whatever teenagers talk about when I asked, "Do you ever want more than this?"

I can picture his face, frozen for a second with his mouth still open in anticipation of the spoonful of ice cream which had also stopped moving rather abruptly just above the bowl.  "More than... what... exactly?" he finally asked, looking at me suspiciously.

I suppose in retrospect he probably thought I was about to demand marriage or solicit sex or something like that.  Ask for a baby?  It was Mississippi, y'all.  But at the time I was cheerfully clueless about the greater social implications of words, so I just kept talking like everyone lived in my head and not in the real world.  

"You know this.  THIS."  I waved my spoon haphazardly around at everything: tv, stupidly posed school pictures in gaudy frames, medals and trophies, shelves of knickknacks, nicotine-stained mini-blinds, mismatched antique chairs.  "All of this!"  I waved my spoon in a larger circle to represent the whole neighborhood, the whole state, our whole world.  "Don't you ever want more than this, knowing that there is so much more out there?"

I don't remember what he said, honestly.  Poor guy, I probably scared him to death.  I'm pretty sure these are not the conversations you expect to have with the mousy girl from a couple of streets over when you're a teenage dude.

Nearly 20 years later I feel like I'm still asking the same question and still getting startled, blank looks.  I've gotten more subtle, I guess, unless I've had some wine.  But my "there's always a fuck-it-go-on-tour option" speech still isn't as well received as I always think it will be, my "ok, so this plan seemed like a good idea but you're unhappy, so what's the next one?" question still gets me dismissed as someone who doesn't understand the way Real Life works.  

Real Life doesn't have a feasible plan B, much less a plan C or D or Q.   Real Life only has two options (generally "exactly what I'm doing right now" and "starving to death on the streets").  Real Life is inevitable and can't be changed, and wanting more than exactly this does you no good, after all.  Ask anyone as they're nattering on about how empty, monotonous, and meaningless their lives are now that they're Real Adults, they'll be sure to tell you all about how trapped they are, you are, everyone ever is.  It's frustrating to see people basically wasting the one life they get ("One!  You only get one!  ONE!  What are you doing?!" I want to yell) on a bunch of self-defeatist nonsense.

One day I swear to god I'm going to say, "Don't you want more than this?" and someone is going to say, "Yeah, you know what, I DO want more than this.  Let's make that shit happen, wanna?"  And then we're going to go on an epic road trip or start a non-profit together or travel the world or adopt a bunch of kids or start a food pantry or paint a mural or write a book or something, and it will be amazing.

Until then, I guess I'll just keep repeatedly throwing myself out of my own comfort zone at the top possible speed.  I'm basically my own manic pixie dream girl.

Hollywood would not approve.

Brilliant!